Living Tangerine vs. Giving Up

15 Oct

Ok, it’s been a while… I realize that.

I haven’t been one for personal writing recently, seeing as I’ve been feeling so defeated. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but I woke up one morning and all my dreams had floated out the window. I woke up feeling as though maybe all these little lies just weren’t worth chasing anymore, and I was denying myself real happiness by trying so hard to be something I wasn’t.

For a couple of months, it was great! I loved not having to constantly worry about planning, and scheduling, and stressing, and never having any time to work on things, or bettering myself, or saving money for classes I planned to take one day. Letting go was just amazing, and so was the fact that I looked back on my past ambitions without regret, but with a sense of relief that I had finally seen the light.

But then my mother started feeling ill. She was experiencing terrible back pain and was consuming Advil in wee fistfuls, and shortly thereafter, began to experience stomach pain as well. After seeing a doctor, he immediately told her to knock off the ibuprofen. Hell, even I knew why. The stuff wreaks havoc on your liver, and thins your stomach lining, causing ulcers. As soon as she did though, she started feeling pain like never before. Nearly in tears, she asked me why, and I told her, what she than recited to her doctor.

Taking pain medication for any significant span of time will establish dependence, and tolerance. You continue to need it, but the same amount will not give you the same effect, so you take more. This rolls over into addiction. After numbing the pain for so long and then suddenly taking away the crutch, you feel MORE pain as a result. Your body’s way to get you to give you what it wants. In short: withdrawal.

When she told her doctor what I had said in a follow-up appointment he asked her: “Is your daughter in med-school?”

My world fell apart.

Everything I am today, seems to stem from the fact that I was a failure in high-school. I was never challenged by curriculum, I never completed work, I was not disciplined, I was too interested in my social life, and thusly… I couldn’t get into university. I went to a shitty college instead, and nearly flunked out of there as well… because I didn’t care. I had no passion for anything, and yet passion was a root of existence that was so important to me.

Now here was this doctor who had never met me, but had only a brush of my extended knowledge to judge me, and he saw the advice I had given my mother as medicinal. He asked if I was training to be a doctor… as if he believed, for just a fraction of a second, that I was capable of such a thing. But I wasn’t… and I’m not, but I could have been, and that’s the part that kills me.

I could have been so much, but I’m nothing… because of the choices that I made when I was sixteen and incredibly stupid. Foresight is something each and every teenager lacks, and yet it seems to be the only time in our lives where we could really gain a lot from it.

Now, being as perceptive as I am (and I know I am… because my Myers-Briggs tells me I am), I already know what you’re thinking: “It’s not too late! It’s never too late! You can do whatever you want to do! Start today!” To which I ask you, what after school special on candy mountain are you watching?! Ever hear of something called REAL LIFE?! Well I got one! I wanted the car, I got the car. I wanted the apartment, I got the apartment. I wanted the credit card, I got one, and $1500.00 to pay off on it. I have responsibilities, and other then what I owe on credit, I’ve never been in debt, and I don’t plan to EVER be in debt.

I’m not saying I want to be a doctor. Hell… I’m not even saying I want to further my post-secondary education, but what I am saying is that this blog was supposed to be able having your cake, and eating it too… and instead of the cake, I settled for a stale pack of Twinkies from a gas station snack bar.

I don’t know what I want… I don’t know many 24 year-olds who do. But every September 28th, I get a little older, and I run out of yet another year in the hour-glass that is my life, and I have no further accomplishments on which to gauge my success.

In the last two months, I settled on my mediocrity, and I fear that it will consume me if I can’t find out exactly what it is I’m meant to do with this life of mine.

You might think that since I’m 24 I still have plenty of time to figure this out. Well, if youre over the age of 35, I’m going to shock you with a revelation that people my age don’t usually understand yet.

Life… is incredibly short. I’ve blinked, and I’m 24. Tomorrow, I’m going to blink again and I’m going to be 48, if I’m fortunate enough to make it that far. Now, I might have time… but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve only got today, and today was a waste.

I don’t want to be one of these people who just breathes, procreates, and dies, like the tick on the back of some giant animal. I’m fortunate enough to see the beauty in the world, the love in the people who surround me, the sheer luck that I have experienced in my life in order to make it to this point, and I have the intellect to be able to appreciate all these things.

So… why aren’t I doing anything with it? And further still… why won’t the world let me?


One Response to “Living Tangerine vs. Giving Up”

  1. YourLurkingFriendfromKitchener November 14, 2010 at 5:10 AM #

    Im sorry you are feeling so down. You are one of the best people I know and you have the ability to make me happy just by talking to me. That’s a true gift.

    I did feel the way you are feeling now for a loooong time. Mostly because I had all this education and no job to show for it. And even with the education, I still didn’t know what I wanted. It was horrible feeling. Especially when ALL my friends had these wonderful careers or marriages or babies or fancy condos….and all I had was a crappy job and a crappy apartment and two rats. I guess I learned that sometimes life doesn’t start until 30. Some people have doors open earlier than others. Some people have to wait a long time before things fall into place. Im sorry you’re feeling crappy, but I promise that the feelings won’t last forever. And may I recommend two rats. They make life seem more bareable.

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