Living Tangarine Vs. The Infinite Sadness

8 Feb
Some of you might know, and some of you might not know. Regardless, it saddens me to report that my mother passed away 16 days ago after being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer all of 10 weeks ago. Her illness was very sudden and very breif, and has left my family shaken and frail, but we are not broken.

I’ve never had to deal with death before, and certainly not the death of someone in my immediate family. It doesn’t seem fair that it should have to be someone so close to me as my own mother, but so it goes. I think it’s important to understand that there is very little certainty in life, and even less that we can control. Pancreatic cancer appears to strike randomly, and the death of my mother is no one’s fault, not hers, not the doctors, not “God”, not anybody.

Just over a week ago, I stood up in front of her closest friends and business aquaintences and shared some of the wisdom my mother had imparted on me. Public speaking does make me a little shakey, but I managed to convey myself with grace and nerves of steel. What I wasn’t prepared for was what would come afterward. My immune system plummeted, and I rapidly contracted a very bad cold. Everyone in my family had taken to shuffling slowly around the house, without a destination, eyes glazed over, like zombies in some suburbia nightmare landscape.

I can’t say the same for everyone who greives, but for me, the sadness faded into an off colour version of itself. Even now, memories of my mother laying in bed, sick with jaundice, have begun fading from my memory. Instead I’ve begun to remember laughing with her in the car, her crash sense of humour, and the way she thought her hair looked good when she tied it up into a high ponytail (which made her look like Pebbles Flintstone).

Greif and death is a funny thing. Yes, we are sad. Not for them, but rather for ourselves. My mother’s ordeal was terrible, but it’s over now. I can’t go back in time to fix the problem, all I can do is control how I react to this situation. I know in my heart that my mother would frown upon the idea of me huddled in a corner weeping over lost time, or feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I plan to stand tall, and begin taking steps to assure that I live the life she would have wanted for me, which is a full one, to say the very least.

Sylvie Hyndman
February 8th, 1963 – January 23rd, 2011

4 Responses to “Living Tangarine Vs. The Infinite Sadness”

  1. Jessica Coultis February 8, 2011 at 6:25 PM #

    Your mother was a very beautiful women, and she will live on forever in your heart. You are a brave woman Chantalle.

  2. Stephanie Venditti February 8, 2011 at 9:50 PM #

    Wow Chantalle. You are def. an insperation to me and may others… I know what you must be dealing with is beyond my comprehension. I am so sorry for your loss but you inspire me with your strength and courage. Remember, I am always here for you. If there is anything you ever need may it be a shoulder to cry on, a friend in need or just simply a shot of jager, I am here for you… Your mother will be greatly missed but not forgotten by many… XOXO

  3. Tisha Francis February 9, 2011 at 12:11 AM #

    Today would have been your Mom’s Birthday and I am sure she would have celebrated and ate cake!! Live Life to the fullest Chantalle! As we all know life is sometimes short… live it to the fullest. If you want that russett potatoe….have the potatoe!!! Afterall you had salad for lunch! 🙂
    I thought of your Mom all day today…..lots of great memories, crazy antics and laughs!
    It’s nice to see you writing again! Loved reading it!!
    Your Mom would be so very proud of you!!

  4. June February 9, 2011 at 2:11 AM #

    Chantalle, so glad to read you’re writing. This will really help you through. You’ll find over the weeks and months, esp on special dates, it’ll hit you in waves. The reality is so finite.
    Your mom was one of my favourite people as you probably know… and weirdly, now that the inital shock has passed, I can’t help but feel a renewed sense of purpose. I think it’s your mom’s voice pushing me on. I’ve been so down Chantalle. Now, I have started to live tangerine.
    Your mom would be proud of both of us!
    Good luck! …and know you are loved!

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